So yesterday was a crappy day in the world of ME. In fact, the whole week hasn't been all that groovy... what, all 3 days of it. I was out with co-workers last night, having a great time, but when I made it back to my car, it was not feelin' the whole START thing. Lights, music... all came on. But when I turned the switch... no engine. After 6.5 yrs... it had no love for me, whatsoever. Luckily I was able to flag Sara down and she hooked me up with a ride home, and a friendly ear to gripe to. I got home, griped a little to Andee and then grabbed my computer to let all my thoughts out.
Writing seems to be a way of release for me. Now more than ever. And since praying at night tends to lead to sleeping... I opened up my laptop, and opened up my heart to God. I've been in a "funk" for quite awhile... discontent with life, craving something new, etc. So I started a new entry in my prayer journal... starting with the date, as I always do. 9/11. Hmm. Maybe my day wasn't as bad as it seemed. Maybe my week wasn't really as terrible as it could have been. Maybe the things in my life really aren't as frustrating as I originally thought. 5 yrs. ago... the day was much worse. And I wasn't even directly affected.
Perspective.
So I worked through those feelings, and moved on to some of the other things I've been tossing around in my head the past couple of weeks. I recently poured my heart out to my cuz regarding my discontentment. I still love everything about my life... my job, the city of Portland, my friends, working with the kids (altho this has been part of the battle as well)... my thing is, I've been doing the same thing for 6.5 yrs. Nothing has changed. I still have my adventures, and love every one of them. And I definitely love my independence and freedom... but when you're asked "So what's new?" and you have NOTHING new to tell them... that sucks. I've been saying the same thing for 6 yrs. I feel like I should have notecards with the answer, and just hand them out to folks. And this started back in May when Pillar was in town, and I hadn't really hung out with them for a couple of years and one of the guys asked what was new, and I had nothing to say. So I've been struggling with this for quite awhile now. ANYWAY, back to my story... I poured my heart out to Jak, and here she is with what I'm dreaming about... the family... husband to love & share everything with... 2 beautiful kids... and she's feeling the same exact way I am. Loving and appreciating the blessings that God has given us... yet still feeling a little discontent, like you're stuck and looking for something new & exciting to spark things up a little. The grass is always greener.
Perspective.
By the time I was done journaling, I had worked my way through the frustration to a point of thanksgiving & praise... knowing God was in control, no matter what. He has a plan for my life... plain & simple. I will continue to trust Him, knowing He knows the desires of my heart and loves me enough to bless me with them, if it's according to His will. And His perfect will is what I want... if I can just stay there in His arms and stop trying to work things out on my own, I know it will be all good.
Perspective.
5 comments:
thanks for your perspective. i am humbled by your faithfulness and trust in Him.
jak
Well done Stacie. We all go through times of discontent and frustration. Perfect example...me not being able to get a "real" job for almost 2 years! And now I have my dream job. Our timing is not always His timing...that my friend is one of my most difficult challenges of faith!
I struggle with this too, yet I think the discontent can also be a blessing.
I think the secret is to be content, but unsatisfied. Thankful, but always striving forward for the new thing God has for us.
I think the discontent is sometimes God spurring us on to something new and different, whether it is as simple as taking on a new learning project, or as difficult as paking up everything and going somewhere you have never been.
I also went this through same feeling believe me you are never alone!! Someone once told me just be patient God isn't finished with him yet, and when the time came along it was all true. Know that you have so much family and friends that adore and love you. Something will come up just keep your mind open to it.
Where is Stacie?!!! I miss her!
Jessica
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