Fear Factor

I just finished a wonderful bible study on the book The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith, and I'm currently working through the devotional Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers, and they are both fabulous and wonderfully convicting. :-) However, I've found myself getting hit pretty hard over the last couple of months on the topic of worrying, and I'm realizing more and more, it's one of my biggest strongholds, rooted in my issue of fear.

The other day, I read a definition of worry as "tormenting oneself with disturbing thoughts." Yep, that's pretty much what I do! I've always been a worrier, and I think I've accepted it as a part of my identity. I've taken it too lightly, and just excused it as "it's what I do". I've always viewed it as annoying, but relatively harmless. But as today's devotion pounded in the point that worrying is a SIN, it's starting to sound a little more ugly than what I've made it out to be in the past. It's basically calling God a liar, and saying that He can't handle whatever it is that I'm stressed about. I wouldn't dare say to God He's a liar, but sadly that's what I do every time I let worry take over. I'm realizing more and more that I'm really good at bringing pointless stress into my life. I often find myself worrying about potential problems, ones that will most likely NEVER even happen, and I rob myself of the peace and joy of my present moment. And sadly, my worrying often robs my husband of it, too, because my worrying becomes a burden to him, as well.

I know in my heart that God loves me and cares for everything that concerns me. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't always line up with that truth. My identity is in God, and since worrying is not a character of God, it should not be a character of mine (even if I try to make it one). I'm a child of the Father, He abides in me, and when He died for my sins (my worrying included), He took the power of that sin away in my life. It should not have power and influence in my life. Worrying is nothing but the devil, knowing my weaknesses, pushing buttons and planting seeds of doubt and fear in my mind. Sad thing is, he doesn't have to do much, all he has to do is plant one tiny seed of doubt and my mind takes it from there, making it a much bigger issue. And the more I focus on my problems (or the potential for problems), the larger they become.

God keeps bringing to mind a devotion I had many years ago, I was working through the Old Testament and was studying the Israelites. I found myself getting so frustrated with them, for all their grumbling and complaining, and worrying about what they were going to eat while out in the wilderness. I was so annoyed at how quickly they forgot about everything God had already done for them... they witnessed all the plagues, which led to their freedom out of slavery. They saw God open up the Red Sea for them to cross and flee from Pharaoh's army. And even though their doubt & disobedience landed them in the wilderness for 40 years, God never left their side and provided mannah and quail for them to eat. Hello?! God never stopped taking care of them!! How could they forget all these things?! Then God nudged me and told me I was an Israelite. Dang it.

Every time I start worrying about something, I get so focused on my circumstances, whether it's made-up or not, and I immediately forget about everything God has done for ME in the past. It's like I forget every promise in God's word... that's He'll never leave or forsake me (Heb 13:5), that He watches over everything that concerns me (Ps 55:22, 1 Pet 5:70), that He promises to work all things out for the good of those that love Him (that's me) and are called according to His purposes (Rom 8:28), that He has a plan for my life, not to harm me, but for good, giving me a future and hope (Jer 29:11)... need I go on?! These are all truths that I know in my heart, but my mind tends to forget all too quickly.

I know fear & worrying is a stronghold, but I also know that my God is a BIG God and no issue of mine is too big for Him to deal with. God says be anxious for nothing... and I'm sick of letting the devil get the best of me in this area. It's not going to happen overnight, but I pray that God will keep nudging me every time I start acting like an Israelite. I pray that He will continue to show me when I start slipping in this area and give me the strength to kick the devil out the front door. I desire the promises of God, I desire joy and peace in my life... and I refuse to let the devil steal it from me any longer! I also realize that things might not always work out as beautifully as I wish, and bad things can and will still happen... but that doesn't mean God forgot about me, or doesn't love me. But He will carry me through those times, and He will hold me in His arms, comfort me and wipe away my tears. His love never fails and His peace can prevail... even through difficult times. And for that, I'm truly thankful.

Getting to the other side...

One of my devotions this week was from Mark 4:35-40 when Jesus calmed the storm for his disciples. Our church is currently going through a "storm" so-to-speak. We recently brought in some leaders from our region to assess our church, and help us get out of our so-called rut and give us recommendations for how we can better serve the lost in our community, as well as disciple and help our own members grow in their relationship with Christ. While some are excited for the change and possibility of transformation, others are a little more resistant to the idea of change. It's difficult to change a routine that you've been doing for so long, I think we can all relate to that. But at the same time, I truly believe that God has called our church to "go to the other side" like Mark 4:35 says. God has a plan for our church and it requires movement. And although these tough changes can seem like a huge storm, hitting us from every direction, knocking us off our routine, we can't let Satan fool us in thinking the storm is bad and we should just avoid it. Satan doesn't WANT us to get to the other side... he doesn't WANT us to reach God's plan for us. He doesn't want us to grow stronger in our spiritual walks through small groups, where we can pray and encourage one another, and help keep each other accountable. He doesn't want us to change things up to be more attractive to those that don't know Christ in our community. Satan wants us to stay comfortable, complacent and stroll along without challenges or growth in our spiritual maturity. Satan knows the good that God wants to do in and through our church and will do whatever he can to discourage us from following God to the other side.

BUT, we have to remember that we have Jesus on board! And what Satan wants us to think of as a storm, is still in God's control, and is something that He has allowed for our faith to be strengthened. Spiritual progress isn't easy. We have to stay close to Him and keep praying for His will to be done in our lives and in our church's. And as we keep our eyes on Him and not the storm around us, God will calm the storm and we will soon find ourselves on the other side with a faith stronger than before, a renewed passion for intimacy with our Father, and an increased desire for being the hands and feet of Jesus to reach out to a community that desperately needs Jesus.

No where did Jesus say following Him would be easy. And ministry isn't about convenience. Change, whether it's in our personal life, our ministry or in our church can be difficult. But look at our example... Jesus died on a cross for goodness sake! Everything else seems pretty minimal to me!!! Personally, I'm excited for the change and I'm excited to see what God has in store for us on the other side!!! And I'm praying that others will be excited too!!!

Battlefield of the Mind

So I'm currently working through a devotional by Joyce Meyers, titled Battlefield of the Mind. Here's an expert that really hit me hard...



"Too often we cry to Jesus to heal us, to take care of our finances, or to deliver us from problems, but we don't fully expect good things to happen. We allow our minds to focus on the negative aspects. Doubt and unbelief war against our minds and steal our faith if we allow it."



And in James 1:6... "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." Now James was talking about asking for wisdom in this passage, but I believe it holds true for anything. God wants to be our rock, He wants us to depend on Him and come to Him with our problems and concerns. He knows what we need before we ask, but He still wants us to come to Him! Too often, I find myself grumbling or stressing (usually unnecessarily) about things, generally finances, but not really going to God in prayer about it! My prayer life sucks! I KNOW in my heart that Chris and I are in God's will with him being a youth pastor, and our decision for me to stay home and be with our child... but when I see the numbers, with our income and budget not really working out... I stress. Now, I haven't been working since July 20th and I'm amazed at all the extra income and gifts that have come in and blessed us. God hasn't stopped taking care of us... yet I still stress. I'm one of those grumbling Israelites again, wandering in the desert... focusing on the negative, stressing about the future and forgetting about how marvelous my God is and how He's taken care of us so far!! We have been SO blessed!!! My heart knows this, my mind is just stubborn.



Chris and I both have been convicted lately for different things, regarding going to God in prayer, instead of just "talking" and grumbling about things. And we've seen some amazing answers to prayers in just the last few weeks! We're blown away, actually, at how fast God actually moved, once we finally came to Him in prayer!! You'd think that would be enough to teach us our lesson, and go to Him first with EVERYTHING!! Yet it's still hard, and we have to put ourselves in check every once in awhile and stop "talking" and start "praying".



I know God can do anything. That He's in control and will be faithful to His promise to take care of us. I know this is true. But my flesh is weak, and too often I let doubt and worry take over and I feel like it's up to me to be in control and I have a hard time letting go of things. I can pray, but I still see the "numbers" and it doesn't add up and my faith flies out the window. The mind is SO stinkin' powerful, and Satan LOVES it when I beat myself up aboutthis stuff. But I'm glad for the Holy Spirit's conviction, I'm happy that God continues to answer prayers and not give up on me and my stubborn self. And I'm truly going to try to stop focusing on what seems to be issues, and just trust God to continue to provide... like He's been doing all along. I want to pray more... and as I do, I know I will see answers, and my faith will grow stronger, and it will give me a great testimony to share with others about how God is working in our lives!!! Who wouldn't want that!!! I blogged about putting God in a box awhile back, and here I am doing it again... but that just shows that our walk with God is a daily thing. You can't just think you've conquered something and forget about it. Satan doesn't stop battling for us... he wants us to be controlled by doubt and fear, and will continue to whisper in our ear to keep us bound. But God intends for us to be free, and my desire and prayer today is that I will stop grumbling and go to God with every stress and concern, big or small. AND, when I go to Him, I will believe with my heart AND mind, that He is able to answer my prayers... and WILL answer my prayers, according to His will... not because of what I can or cannot do... but because He is God and that's what He does. When I pray, I need to lift my hands up and surrender... knowing that I cannot solve the problem. I cannot make money appear... but God can, and has. I cannot move in the hearts of others and make them "change" their opinions because I disagree... but God can work in both of our hearts, and align them with what His will is. God is big... bigger than I give Him credit for sometimes. I put Him in this box and limit what I think He will do... when what He CAN do is beyond my comprehension most of the time.



Point is... I need to stop stressing....



Philippians 4:6-7 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.



Matthew 6:33-34 - But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.



I just need to just go to Him with everything and let Him do His thing, His way!! Why is this such a hard one to learn??

God's Voice

Life has been busy. I've been anxious to get back into a routine of things, but I haven't quite found the balance of life yet. I had married life down pretty good when I was unemployed, but the new job has been a difficult transition for many, many reasons. It's a blessing, I know, but it's going to be a challenge ... emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My concept of "work" is being reformed. But that's a post for another day.

My point is... it has been difficult to get back into the routine of devotion and worship,to the Creator that has blessed me with so much. I wasted no time getting back into ministry, joining alongside Chris with children's church, youth group and the Young Life ministry here in Port Angeles. And Chris and I are in the habit of doing a couple's devotional every day at lunch, which has been great. But MY walk and MY time alone with God has been lacking. It's hard to pull away from the hustle and bustle of life. And when there is down time at home, which isn't often, I want to be snuggled up with my husband watching TV or doing nothing at all. The last thing I want to do is go off to another room by myself and have some quiet time with Jesus. I cringe at how horrible that sounds as I type it, but it's the truth.

Well, this weekend Chris drove the youth group girls down to Portland for the Revolve Tour, a christian conference for teenage girls. I couldn't go because of work, so I was stuck in Port Angeles by myself for the first time since mid-August when he went to camp for 5 days. I was NOT looking forward to it. But turned out to be just what I needed. I was sitting at the table, working on thank you cards, and a song by Jeremy Camp came on called "Surrender". It got my attention, and in true Stacie-fashion, I put it on repeat for the next couple of hours. Here are the words...

Purify this tainted soul
I'm tired of living life a fool
Soften up this hardened clay
To be a servant, this I pray
A reflection of You, I long to be
So Your kingdom I will seek

I surrender to Your throne
Oh, I surrender to Your throne
I will make my heart Your home
Oh, I surrender to Your throne

I've taken things I thought my own
Only to reap what I've sown
You've given back the years I fought
An ending love and grace You've brought
Eternal hope and peace You bring
And forever unto You I will sing

I surrender to Your throne
Oh, I surrender to Your throne
And I will make my heart Your home
Oh, I surrender to Your throne

Forever unto You I will sing
Forever unto You I will sing
Forever unto You I will sing
Forever unto You I will sing

I surrender
I surrender
I surrender, now
Oh, I surrender
And I surrender
And I surrender, now
Oh, I surrender
I surrender
I surrender
Oh, I surrender
I surrender
I surrender, now

Soften up this hardened clay
To be a servant, this I pray.

I started to think about how this song would be SO good for our church to hear. There's been some division lately between the folks that are holding onto the old-school hymns and the ones that are wanting to move to a more contemporary praise. Everyone has an opinion of how they see worship and how they think the service should go. Everyone is right in their own eyes and for some, a combined service of both styles... a compromise... isn't good enough. Unfortunately, some are a little bit more bold with their opinions, and without much tact, have been very hurtful. It's frustrating. Personally, I'm on the side of the contemporary praise. I didn't grow up with hymns, and I'm having a hard time getting into the "heart of worship" by singing them. Not to mention the service style is completely different from what I'm used to at Mt. Olivet. And then there's the way I grew up, singing strictly Psalms. And unlike my grandparents, I can't get in the mood of worship by singing them either. I relate to the praise songs of my generation. The words touch my soul, the music reaches my heart, I can lift my hands in praise, and be brought to tears by God's voice through them. Hymns, not so much.

So back to me sitting at my table this afternoon. I was sitting there thinking about how this song would be SO good for my church to hear. They need to surrender THEIR idea of what worship is and suck it up and do what's best for the church... and it's growth... and reaching the community... and furthering God's kingdom. But it didn't take long for God to begin whispering to me. Saying that I needed to surrender MY idea of what worship is... suck it up and surrender to what God's will is for the church... and realize it's not about the way I want to worship. Worship is not about me. It's about God and bringing glory to Him. It's singing praises to HIM, for all that He has done for me... all that He has blessed me with... for His provision, His comfort, His love. It's about HIM. I went to the Hymn sing a week ago, because I LOVE to sing, and I was excited to use the hymnals so I could read the alto line and harmonize, without having to make it up.

I know, I know... wrong motives for going. But I'm so glad I did. I saw the older generations of the church, the ones that grew up with hymns, closing their eyes and singing their hearts out to God. They felt it, they related to the words, they enjoyed the music... they were praising God!! And for the first time... I got it.

So I'm surrendering. And I'm sure it's not going to happen overnight. Yeah, I would still love to see our worship service sing more contemporary songs. It's something that I've struggled with every Sunday morning for the last 3 mos... but tomorrow, I'll be walking into service with a new attitude. And I still think our church needs to hear this song... not because I want them to surrender and go along with my way. But it's a message everyone needs to hear. Our society encourages us to be selfish. And as a christian... we have to daily surrender our lives to Christ, and there's no room for selfishness. It's the least we can do. I think it's a good reminder to every believer... we need to surrender our thoughts, our desires, our plans, our ideas of what worship is and how a service should be, our ideas of how we should live, how others should live... our, our, our. We need to lay those down and try to see things through God's eyes. See how OUR thoughts line up with Jesus's. What are His thoughts, His desires, His plans. We need to surrender our lives and let God take control, falling in line with what His vision and His plan is. Having faith that He will change our hearts to give us understanding, and believing that His blessings will fall... whether we're singing hymns, psalms or praise songs.

One part of the song says "Forever unto You I will sing"... and that's my desire. I have SO much to be thankful for... I shouldn't even NEED music to sing praises out to Him. I should have a heart of worship every minute of the day. My worship shouldn't only happen at 11am on Sunday morning. And I shouldn't be bummed if it isn't what I prefer. Again... it's not about me.

So today was a good day. I heard God's voice again... and it's been awhile. It makes me crave those moments with God even more!! And I seriously doubt I'll get my life balanced by tomorrow, but my priorities need and WILL be rearranged. MY time with God is my top priority. And Chris and I's time as a couple isn't a substitute. I can't expect to keep giving of myself... to Chris, the kids, my job, the laundry... under my own strength. I need God's power. I want to be nourished and renewed. I want that intimacy with Christ.

Running on empty...

As I left church on Sunday, I felt pretty drained. It wasn't a bad day, by any means... but I guess, overall I'm just feeling a little worn out. I've got a tough class this year. Don't get me wrong, I still love them dearly, but they are definitely a challenge. Granted, I'm taking on about 15 kindergarteners by myself each Sunday, which would be a challenge for almost anyone that's not a certified teacher (or maybe even teachers, too), but the combination of discipline issues, their lack of respect & inability to SIT STILL, and then having to balance the teaching, discipline AND giving everyone the help and/or affirmation they need with their activities... all at the SAME time... it just seems like an impossible task. I've been doing it since September... but my patience is beginning to wear thin.

I love these kids. And I love serving God by serving them. But I'm frustrated with the kids that won't listen. I'm sorry for the ones that are trying to be good, but are being distracted by those that just don't care. I'm mad that I spend more time getting on the kids that won't be quiet, while my attentive students are bored because I can't get through the bible story!!! I'm frustrated that I can't even separate them, because my room is too small and there's too many "talkative" kids that there's no place to put them!!! AGH!!

But through the midst of frustration, I'm reminded of 2 verses that I've leaned on (heavily) for the past 9 yrs., through all the ups and downs of ministry...

Galatians 6:9 - Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Colossians 3:23-24 - Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

I have to keep reminding myself that it's not about me. And it's not in MY strength that I can teach these kids and get through the day. I'm an instrument for Him to work with, and I'm relying on God, now more than ever, to give me the strength, patience, energy and overflowing love for these kids. I know without a doubt that this is where God has called me. Granted, it's all about to change in a few months, because I've also seen how God has changed my heart over the last couple of years to prepare me for what lies ahead with Chris. But my point is, I'm still here in Portland... and this is my class through the end of June.

I will never forget a sermon I heard almost 7 yrs. ago. The pastor compared doing ministry to the burning bush. He said that although the bush was consumed with fire, it never burned up. The same goes for us. When we allow God's power to consume us... using His strength, and not our own... we will not burn out doing His work. There's no excuse for it. If He's called us to do something, He will supply us with EVERYTHING we need to finish the task. I'm just praying that He'll supply me with some HELP for these last 2 mos!! :-)

It's funny... Chris was down here a couple of weeks ago, and I hesitantly invited him to come to class with me. I wanted him to meet my fellow teachers, who have been hearing about him and praying for us for the past 6 mos... but at the same time, I was SO worried about how the kids would behave and what he'd think about the CHAOS in my classroom! But it was just the opposite!! Thank you JESUS!! God answered my prayers and they were probably the most well-behaved they've been all year!!! Which was great... but at the same time, completely frustrating!!! Why is it, that a man can step in the room... and it changes everything?! It shouldn't have surprised me, I've experienced it many times over the last 9 yrs. Whenever there is a man volunteering... just their mere presence in the room makes a huge impact in the behavior of the kids. It makes you wonder what things would be like if fathers were present in every household? Hmm....

It also makes me wonder if the other teachers and myself would feel so "empty" and ready for a break, if some of those "christians" sitting in the pews across the parking lot, would get off their butts and start serving!!! I realize not everyone is going to have a heart for kids, and choose to serve in children's ministry. But I honestly don't think I'd be this worn out, if I actually had some consistent help in my classroom this past year. I think back to the years when I had an assistant teacher with me every week, and those were some GREAT years!!

And here I go on my soap box...

I'm tired of folks just taking up space in the pews. Calling themselves christians, but not putting their faith in action. Too many people just go to church to check it off their list, or take advantage of the ministries... but don't take the time to serve themselves. Isn't that what we're called to do? God gives us spiritual gifts for a reason... and it's not to keep them to ourselves. We are supposed to be the hands & feet of Jesus... reaching out and serving others. So why is it that 20% of the congregation does 80% of the work. You always see the same people, doing everything! And this goes for all ministries... not just children's ministry. But the kids are my passion, so that's where I get riled up! And it's because I feel like they're getting jipped. I can't speak for other classes, but I honestly believe that the quality of education that MY kids are receiving each week is lower than what it should be. If I had help... class would run smoother, and the kids would be able to soak more in. I could focus on planting and nourishing seeds... not fighting and chasing off stupid crows the whole time. (cheesy analogy, I know... but that's how I'm feeling!)

And please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound all high & mighty, but I am frustrated. I sit with my group of teachers each Sunday morning, praying that more and more kids would come, that the walls of our building will explode with kids and we'll have to build a new building!!! Yet sometimes I find myself praying for fewer kids in my class, or just a break this week... just because I can't handle them all by myself. That shouldn't be the case! I shouldn't be praying kids away!!! And in my heart... I want them all to come... even the "tough" ones. But I just want help.

I'm down to only 5 weeks left. I don't want to give up on my kids. Or not give them my all because I'm counting down the days until I'm done. So please pray for me... that God will give me the strength, energy & creativity to make these last few weeks fun and productive!! :-) Don't pray that He'll give me patience tho... I don't need the "reasons" to be patient!!! LOL!!!!!

Thanks for listening! And for your prayers!!!!

The Motions

It's funny... for so many years, I've struggled with being content in my season of singleness, and now that I have the man of my dreams, I'm STILL struggling with being content. It’s just in a new way this time. The more time I spend up in Port Angeles with Chris, the less I feel at home here in Portland. I'm obviously attached to Chris, but I'm also enjoying the relationships that I'm building with his friends, the kids in his youth group and even the connection that's growing with the rest of his church family! I'm getting anxious to start this new chapter of my life!

This past weekend I stayed in Portland, and after being up in PA for the past 2 weekends... it was rough. I have to admit, it was nice not spending 8 hrs. in the car, and I did need the extra sleep... but I was in a funk all weekend long. Partly because I was spoiled after seeing him 2 weekends in a row, but I was also sad knowing that although I survived 1 week, I still had 3.5 weeks to go before I would see him again... and that SUCKS! I ended up throwing myself a little pity party on Saturday evening. I'm so anxious to start this new "season" in Port Angeles with Chris, that I feel like I'm just wasting time here when I could be up there starting my new life!! I want to be able to see Chris daily, I want to start going to their youth group meetings on Wednesdays and get more involved... did I mention see Chris daily? It's like God is dangling my future in front of me... I can see it, and it looks awesome... but I can't quite reach it!!! But I know that's not what God is doing... I truly believe He is giving me this amazing gift, piece by piece... according to His time. And I just need to enjoy the process as it all unfolds. I'm blessed beyond a doubt, and I know that!! I just feel like a kid the night before Christmas!!

So time and time again, God gently taps me, and reminds me that my time is not up yet in Portland, and I still have some work to do. As much as I want to be up in PA with Chris, I also want to finish out the year with Elema in Literacy Club. And I don’t want to leave Children’s church high and dry without a teacher. I’ve really enjoyed my class so far, and I want to finish the school year out. Even if I'm only in Portland through June or July... that’s 4-5 mos. and it’s going to go quick! I need to take advantage of the time that I have left... spending it with friends, especially Violet & her fam, and Ana & her girls and just enjoying what Portland has to offer. Because even though I’m going to be happy in Port Angeles with Chris, I know I’m going to miss a lot of stuff... watching Mia, Cannon, Jayden & Lexi grow up, Alex, my friends at Dr. Martens, all my Literacy Club kids, my church family at Mt. Olivet, and just the basics of city life... not to mention TARGET! I need to be happy with the time I have now. I don’t want to live the next couple of months thinking solely of the future and miss out on the present. I know all of this... and it’s been my prayer request for months... I just need to do it!

And just like He normally does, the Spirit started poking me during the sermon on Saturday. Pastor Gregg was talking about our time to shine. I sat there and was feeling pretty good about myself because I have done SO much “serving” since I’ve moved here. Sometimes, it felt like serving was all I ever did! I’m in my 9th year of Literacy Club and have been involved in Children’s church since Jan ’01. I’ve got the “serving” thing covered (pat, pat)! But then Pastor said that not only will we be judged on if we served or not... but also the QUALITY of our service. Hmm. Conviction.

I can think back to many times in my life over the last 9 yrs. that the quality of my service was not so good, whether it was personal struggles with leadership, or I was burned out, or my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. Many times I struggled with if I was just working with kids because it was within my comfort zone... dealing with kids is much easier than adults. But through all the struggles, and all the times I wanted to give up... God had His hands on me, and wouldn’t let me budge. I might have stepped down for a season to rest, but I was always back in the mix. Kids are my passion, it’s the call God has on my life... and there’s no walking away from that.

Matthew West has a new song called “The Motions” and between the words of this song, and Pastor’s comments last Saturday... I can tell a fire is being lit under me. Here’s the chorus...

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

I don’t want to go through the motions. I don’t want to serve just to serve, because working with kids is what I do... I want to make a difference in the kingdom. I don’t want to just be friends with these kids... I want my relationships to have a purpose. I might not see the harvest... but I want to plant seeds of God’s truth.

God has given me 9 wonderful years in Portland... and now it’s crunch time. I only have a couple more months to make a difference in some of these kids’ lives… and in some of my friends’ lives. Have I made any difference… or has it been in vain? I know I have planted some seeds… but how many opportunities did I miss? How many times did I not stand up with boldness to friends… or missed an opportunity to pray? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not beating myself up, or fishing for words of encouragement… I know I’ve done some good… but I also know there were times when my heart wasn’t in it. There were times when my motives weren’t true.

I don’t want to go through the motions. I don’t want to just wait until the end of June because that’s the right thing to do… I want to take full advantage of the time I have left and let God use me mightily. And more than anything, when I meet my Savior face to face, I want to hear Him say “Well done, good and faithful servant”. I don’t want Him to say “Well done, you were a good worker” meaning I was just doing busy work to pass the time. I want to hear him say SERVANT. I want to see people through His eyes, to serve them out of love for Him, and make a difference for His kingdom.

Point is... there will be no more sitting at home, throwing myself pity parties... there's people out there that need fellowship, encouragement, and to see God's love through me. I need to make the most of today, because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Change is in the air...

So... I've been feeling this way for awhile, that changes were going to come. I just didn't know how or when. I've actually been feeling restless for a few years now... enjoying my life, but at the same time, feeling like I was in a rut because I've been doing the same thing forever. No joke... for 8 yrs, I've been working at DM's, going to Mt. Olivet, attending the same cell group, serving in Literacy Club, and teaching the kindergarten class... for 8 YRS!!! And yes, I've been on plenty of adventures and made new friends throughout the years, but I've also maintained the same core group pretty much the entire time!!! Don't get me wrong... I LOVE my life.... but I also found myself dreading the question, "So what's new with you?" because the answer was always the same... "Absolutely nothing."

But over the past couple of years, I've felt things changing. For one, I started feeling a disconnect to my kids. Don't get me wrong, I still love them to pieces, but as my taste in music changed from R&B & rap, to more alternative and rock... I lost one of my key ways to relate! And I've always loved the younger kids, and been intimidated by the older ones... but I see now how God has been easing me into the high school age. The girls I used to mentor and babysit... are now freshman in high school! And although I still love my kindergarteners, and I couldn't ever see myself willingly leaving my ministries... I couldn't help but feel that God was starting to tug me in a new direction. Like I said... change was in the air.

Little by little, He began to unveil His plan. Change was definitely in the air... and it was coming in the form of a guy named Chris.

I've known Chris for years, he's my friend Ana's brother. I've been friends with Ana for over 6 yrs. now, and have heard numerous stories over the years about her family. And I have to admit, I've always had a little crush on Chris. He was cute, loved God, loved music, made me laugh and I loved the way he interacted with his niece Jayden. We were around each other a couple of times back in 2005 when we all went to Creation Fest and then again when I went with Ana and Jayden up to Port Angeles over Labor Day weekend '05 to stay at their cabin. But 3 yrs. passed, and I didn't see him again until this past Memorial Day '08 when I went up to Camp David with Ana & her girls. Camp David is a family camp that their church puts on every year, and Chris is the director. He's also their church's youth pastor. I was there to hang with Ana & her girls, and to enjoy a weekend out of Portland... but it was definitely fun to see Chris again!

Anyway, there wasn't much interaction between the 2 of us at camp, because he was busy running things, and I was busy sunning myself on the dock with his sister and niece! But after getting back to Portland, I got a call from Ana and she started the conversation by saying "Don't be mad, but...". She had told Chris I was interested in him! After the initial shock and embarrassment... I immediately grilled her for details of the conversation! LOL! It was a slow start, with a few complications thanks to me(LOL!), but I believe it was all a part of God's timing. God still had a few things to teach me, and He wasn't done preparing me for "change" yet.

We started to really get to know each other in October. I knew I liked what I had seen so far, but I was anxious to get to know him as "Chris" and not just "Ana's brother". Pretty soon the random texts led to phone calls, and eventually we found ourselves talking on the phone for hours every night. In November, we made "Chris & Stacie" official and I found myself with the man of my dreams!

We've been dating for a couple of months now, and I'm still amazed at how much God has blessed me! For so many years, I've gone thru the ups and downs of singleness and I've been quoted the verse, "He'll give you the desires of you heart" and been told, "it's all in His timing" more times than I'd like to remember. But when it comes down to it, it's true. God will give you His best, when you let Him choose. I think every girl has a list of what they're looking for in a guy... for me, I wanted someone who loved God, kids, enjoyed sports, music, exercising, being outdoors, someone that could make me laugh, that enjoyed grabbing a beer every once in awhile, and definitely someone that wasn't perfect and would be willing to forgive me for my imperfections... and shoot, maybe even someone who played the guitar (like my first dad)! And then maybe you remember my "One Hit Wonder" post a couple years ago, my desire has been for someone that would encourage me and keep me accountable in my walk with God, someone that desired to study God's word and spend time with Him in devotions, that trusted God with all of life's decisions, and strived to live out God's will & purpose for his life. Someone that served others out of his love for God, not out of obligation. And someone that was social, to help balance out my shyness. Someone that would get me out of my comfort zone... gently, of course! For years, I've been desiring a best friend... someone that I could share every aspect of my life with... someone that would understand... and someone that I could count on to pray with me and for me. Someone I could trust... someone I felt secure with.

For years, I've been asking God to help me be content through my season of singleness. To prepare me, so that I would be ready when the time did come for Him to bring someone into my life. I've seen God working in me over the last year... and He was doing just that. I've made mistakes. But I see now that God had to show me the true condition of my heart, before I was willing to really repent... and realize I was no longer willing to settle for anything less than God's best. Towards the beginning of last year, God showed me this verse during my devotions, and it became my life verse. I posted it on my bulletin board and stored it in my heart...

Lamentations 3:22 -25 - Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.

God really spoke to me in this verse, especially the part that said, "the Lord is my portion; therefore I will WAIT on Him." I realized that even though I desired to have a man in my life, God WAS all I needed. First of all, He was my portion. He supplied everything I needed... love, joy, peace, comfort, protection, provision... EVERYTHING. And secondly, I knew in my heart that He had someone for me, I just had to WAIT on His timing. He is faithful, and I knew He would bless me in His time.

So that's what I did. I waited. And come to find out... God knew me better than I knew myself. He knew my deepest desires as well as what I needed in my life. I now have a new life verse...

Ephesians 3:20 - Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

God answered my prayer above and beyond what I could have imagined. He saw my desires and blessed me with them. Chris is an amazing guy! He has true passion for God and for serving Him by reaching out to the kids in Port Angeles. And most of you know by now, that that's where my heart is as well. Even in the short time that we've been dating, I have been truly blessed by his presence in my life. He is a wonderful encourager, and he's patient with my inhibitions. We seem to balance each other out really well, and we're already keeping each other accountable in so many ways... finances, exercising, and our daily devotions!!

It has been SO cool to see God working in this whole thing... how he adjusted my mindset and changed my heart before seeing Chris again in May, how He used my relationship with Ana to bring us together, how He's aligned our interests & passions, and how He's made the provisions (stopped blizzards and cleared 20 miles of hwy) just so we could see each other. He's has literally worked out every detail through this whole thing.

And this is the first time in my life, that I haven't turned my back on God when it comes to a relationship. It's exactly the opposite this time around. God's been involved and been the focus, every step of the way. Granted... as perfect as it all sounds, and it is pretty perfect at this point... I know as time goes on, struggles will come up and difficulties will arise. But Chris and I have really enjoyed great communication... you can't help but talk when you live 4 hrs. away!! But it has been such a blessing to date someone that is looking to follow God's lead. And someone that I can trust to be a spiritual leader. When things come up... we are both turning our eyes to the same place... God. We're on the same page, and it's a wonderful thing!

So I was right. Change was in the air. And I'm lovin' every minute of it!

It's funny, because usually, I'm usually pretty scared of change. But like I said earlier, God has been getting me ready. Chris lives in Port Angeles, WA, which is 4 hrs. northwest of Portland and I know God is leading me there. God hasn't laid out the details of when yet, but I know it's in His plan. And as much as I love living in Portland, and NEVER thought I'd move back to a small town... I'm pretty darn comfortable in PA! I'll fit right in with my hooded sweatshirt, jeans and tennis shoes! LOL! I've been up there several times, and usually stay with Chris's pastor Tim and his wife Stacy. I'm getting connected to the church family, as well as the kids in Chris's youth group. God's paving the way for a pretty smooth transition. However, with the economy being the way it is, I am a little nervous about finding a new job, especially when I'm so spoiled with the one I've got. But this is just another opportunity to trust God, and allow Him to provide. God has worked out every single detail up until this point, so I know He'll work this out, too!

So here's a couple of pics of Chris and I. The first one is from my birthday in July, before we started talking, with his niece Alexis. And the second one is from Thanksgiving. I spent Thanksgiving Day with the Craft household, and then headed north to PA to spend the rest of the weekend with Chris and Ana and the rest of their family! It was good times!!! :-) So here ya go...

Have I mentioned he's fabulous? :-)

My God Box

So much has been rolling around in my head lately, but I haven't had the time to just sit down and work it all out!!! I guess I've been a little pre-occupied, but I'll get to that later! :-) It all started with my dad's cancer scare last month... and being able to witness God's miraculous healing hand in it's full glory! After hearing that it was truly a miracle, I started thinking about how I prayed that God would heal him, but didn't pray expecting a miracle. I knew God could answer my prayers, but assumed the specialist would just get it all at the 2nd appt... I never expected God would "get it" before Dad even got to the specialist.

So that got me thinking about how many times I've sold myself short... by selling God short. I know I have faith... and it only takes faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains... but I wonder how much more God wants to bless me, or work in my life... but I'm just not asking for it. At times, I don't think I'm exercising my faith to the fullest. I step out in faith... but only as far as what's comfortable. Or maybe it's more of me just stepping out with what I can see, or imagine is possible... instead of thinking about what God sees, and the fact that nothing is impossible for Him. I think I've got a God box... and I need to stop putting Him in it.

Sad thing is, I've always had this box. I can think back to past relationships... ya know, the ones that God was NOT smiling about... the ones I forced to attempt to fill some void in my life. And every time I got into one of those relationships, I put God in His box, and stuffed Him in the back of my closet. I didn't want to hear what He had to say about it, although looking back, the Holy Spirit never left me alone.

So yeah, I definitely have a God box. And it's time I hand it over to Him. I don't want it anymore. I'll let Him use it as a foot rest. He can prop His feet up on it, sit back and throw His hands behind his head... relaxing b/c He knows He's already taken care of everything and I've finally stopped trying to squish Him into some stupid box! :-)

Miracles

I know miracles happen every day... but so many times, we're unaware of it. It makes you wonder how often God steps in and takes care of things before we even have to deal with it. I wonder how many times God has intervened and saved us from close calls, as we sit here oblivious. To me, that's such a testament of His genuine love for us... He could allow certain things to happen, and then receive glory from bringing us through it... but sometimes He chooses to stay behind the scenes and let His provision go unnoticed. It's not about Him... it's about His love for us.

Anyway, last night I was made aware of a miracle... and I'm still trippin' over it a bit. Like I said before, I'm sure I've experienced many miracles in my life, but just haven't called it a "miracle". But as you all might recall, my dad had a cancer scare a couple of weeks ago. The first lab that did the biopsy found something called a merkel (?) cell, which is a level under the dangerous melanoma. This particular cancel cell can infect other organs if not caught. So my mom and dad drove to KC and met with a specialist, but he didn't find this merkel cell at all. He thought it was probably mis-diagnosed and asked for the first sample to be sent up to him so he could double-check it. Well, I went back to my cell group on Sunday and shared the praise report that they didn't find anything and they thought it was mis-diagnosed. And they immediately said, NO... God healed him. It was there for the first doctors to see... but God healed him. I smiled and said yeah... but in all honesty, I don't know if I really believed that. I believe God can and does heal... and I knew God was in control the whole time and had taken care of my dad and answered my prayer... but I was really leaning more on the side of a mis-diagnosis.

Well, last night I chatted with my dad and he told me the doctor in KC confirmed that there WAS the nasty merkel cell in the first sample and it WAS correctly diagnosed the first time. But by the time my dad got to the specialist, God had already healed my dad. A miracle took place.

I'm speechless. I worship an amazing God!!! I think back to all these stories in the Bible... when He parted the Red Sea for the Israelites, and healed a woman just by her touching the cloak of Jesus... these are NOT just stories!!! And He's still performing miracles today!!! It's CRAZY and awesome all at the same time!!!!

I stand in awe... Thank you LORD!!!

Powerful mind...

It's amazing to me just how powerful our minds are... and how dangerous they can be. This past weekend my mom called me and started a comment by saying, "now don't freak out..." and you know that can never really be good. She proceeds to tell me that they found a spot of skin cancer on my dad, and it was a bad kind, that can possibly spread to other organs... BUT, they believe they caught it in time, and not to worry. But they were going to go to KC that weekend for an appt. first thing Monday morning. Ok. No big deal. She's not worried... there's no need for me to be worried. And to be honest, I really was ok... I had a complete peace about it all weekend.

However, Monday morning rolled around and as time went by and I hadn't heard anything... all peace flew out the window. I knew his appt. was at 9am, CST... which was 7am, my time. I was a wreck all morning. I finally called mom's cell around 9:15am and they were still chillin' in the waiting room, watching TV, and she thought it'd be another hour or so before the biopsy results came back. Ok, fine. Immediately, I enlisted in some prayer from a couple of friends and tried to get some work done and be normal. However, that was easier said than done.

As time went on, and I still hadn't rec'd a call from mom or dad... my mind was going a million miles a minute. It just wouldn't stop. I had plenty of work to do, but my mind didn't care... it was focusing on one thing only. Dad. As I thought about the possible test results... my eyes would well up with tears and I'd quickly dab it with a kleenex to keep them from falling. Then my mind would swing the other way and think there's no way God would take another Dad from me, or take another husband away from my mom. That just wouldn't be fair. But then my mind would rush me back to the thought of cancer, and I was ready to quit my job and move back to Hays to be with my family. I'd need to be home with my mom and dad.

It's then that I realized how crazy I was being... and how scary my mind is. It's insane how quickly it can take me out of reality... and how quickly I can forget about the God that is in complete control. I knew His hands were on our situation... and that we would get through any possible outcome with Him as our strength... but dang! My mind was wearing me out, racing back and forth, thinking about moving to KS and just freaking out! I had to stop myself and just lay the situation down at His feet... and moreso my fears.

Around 11:30am I got a call from Dad and he delivered the good news that the new hole in his head, was cancer free. In fact, the doctor in KC wasn't convinced that the other lab diagnosed him correctly. So dad might have a new scar for nothing... but better safe than sorry. I was so thankful to hear the news... and within minutes, Dad and I were making jabs at each other, just like normal!! I like normal.... normal is good.

Anyway... the mind is a powerful beast. One that can be used for good... or for evil! LOL!! The same mind that got me through college with honors, can also drive me crazy with completely planning my future out, when I don't even know if tomorrow is going to happen!!! It's crazy...

Just thinkin'...

Yesterday in our cell group for children's church, we were discussing the lesson about Jacob & Esau and how Jacob was always scheming. He was kind of a jerk... always manipulating his brother, stealing away his inheritance and birthright. Yet God chose him, and wanted to use him for His purposes... in spite of his mistakes.

I feel like I can relate. I look over my past and think about all the bad choices I've made, and I can't help but notice how His mercy has spared me from enduring some huge consequences. I've seen some of my friends make some of the same mistakes I have, yet their consequences and therefore their lives ended up totally different. I'm not saying God loves me more... it's just crazy to think about how my life could be so different. But by the grace of God and His wonderful mercy, He has protected me. Like Jacob, He had a plan for my life... and He was going to make sure it came to fruition, in spite of my own stupidity. I just pray that I'm doing Him proud, and not skimping out on anything I should be doing... and that I'm being a good steward of the life He has allowed me to have.

Honestly, I feel so blessed. Not only because of His mercy... but because there's not a doubt in my mind about what God's purpose for my life is. So many people go through life trying to figure it out. But He has given me such a passion for His kids, it's sometimes surreal. He has been so faithful, renewing my passion when I start to burn out, filling me with overflowing love, patience and energy, as well as sustaining me with peace and comfort through some difficult times. I've taken some breaks here and there, but quitting has never been an option. This is what I'm supposed to be doing. It's a part of me.

I do admit, tho, I have felt over the past year or so that change might be in the air, like I'm in transition... and He's preparing me for something a little different, although I'm still confident that it will be working with kids. But I guess we'll all have to wait and see!! LOL!!! Until He actually moves me... I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, and love every minute of it!

UPDATE!

Okay... so for those of you who are wondering... there is NO update with fly boy! :-) Which I'm A-OK with! He actually came to Portland the same night as Violet's bday and there was a possibility of meeting up, but I was out with Violet... it was her night, and I wasn't about to cut out on my best friend for some boy. As we were leaving, we checked to see if he was still out, and he wasn't... end of story! Door shut... and honestly, I'm praising Jesus for it!!

I've got my eyes set on what God has for me... and he wasn't it. So I'm continuing to wait on God's timing and His perfect match for me... all the while concentrating on using this season of singleness to fulfill His purpose for my life and furthering His kingdom with all my kiddos! Contentment definitely comes easier some days than others, and altho I can say the "right" things, I'm not sure my heart always buys into it... but I DO know that God is faithful and He knows the desires of my heart... so I will continue to hold tight to His promises, because I know it will be worth the wait!! Keep me lifted y'all!!!

I really need to fly more...

Flying the friendly skies takes on a whole new meaning!

FLASHBACK to Sept. '07 - Almost exactly a year ago, I was on a 6am flight to KS to visit the fam. Now I fly quite a bit, but I'm usually stuck next to business men, elderly couples, etc. so when a SUPER cute guy my age sat down next to me, I was pleasantly surprised! This boy had the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen and HUGE biceps (which I'm a complete sucker for). But I'm not much of a talker, especially on those early morning flights, so I put my headphones on and crashed shortly after we took off. Once it was time to land in Denver, we both woke up and started chatting a bit. He was in Portland visiting friends, but is originally from Jersey and lives in NYC, working as a psychiatric nurse. After we landed, we walked off the plane and he stopped me at the gate and asked for my number! Ha! Too funny!! I, of course, gave it to him and we ended up texting while we waited for our connecting flights. I didn't think much of it, but we actually talked for a few months after my trip home. And even now, we'll send each other random texts every once in awhile. We always joke that you never know when one of us will end up texting and actually be in the other person's town!! LOL!!!! SO anyway... that's the quick version of my friend Blue... or as I like to call him, Jersey Boy.

So, here I am a year later on my way to Salt Lake City to visit Lily and her fam! I'm getting settled in my seat and I shoot Lily a quick text to let her know I'm on the plane and that I'm pouting because there are no cute boys! I shut off my phone and get settled in with my book and headphones. Well, when it came time to get a drink my flight attendant asked what I wanted and I replied a Dr. Pepper. He responds "with vodka?" Um. No, that's cool. He asks again "with vodka?" I laughed and said "nah, I'm cheap! I'm going on vacation, I've gotta save my money!" He said don't worry about it and what did I want to drink. I'm more of a beer snob & don't drink liquor so he made a suggestion and ended up bringing me a gin & tonic. I'm not sure if there was any "tonic" in it, tho. Thank goodness it was free... I'm definitely not a gin & tonic fan. Anyway, when he was done serving everyone else, he stopped back by and we chatted for a bit. He was actually from Portland, so we chatted Ducks and Blazers for a bit and then he was back to fulfilling his duties. (FYI... it wasn't a full flight... so I was in the window seat, the middle seat was empty and the dude in the aisle seat was passed out... so it's not like this flirtacious exchange was in front of a bunch of people!) Anyway, I went back to enjoying my book and trying to finish my drink... meanwhile pondering if I should slip him my business card. Ya know... just in case he needs some new Docs!? :-) LOL!!! I have to admit, I did notice him when I initially got on the plane... he was kinda cute & it's not that often that you see young, male flight attendants. And he was funny! He was the one talking us thru all the safety stuff before we took off and definitely added some humor to the drill. ANYWAY... we landed and I chickened out about giving him the business card. But as I was walking off the plane, he handed me a slip of paper with his number... in case I was interested in getting together the next time he made it out to Portland. I said thanks and walked off the plane, grinning ear to ear. The skies sure are friendly in the month of September!!!!! LOL!!!!!

I didn't think twice about it when I was in SLC because I was so busy enjoying my time with the Taliulu (and Fotu) crew!!!! But when I got back to Portland on Monday, I shot him a text... so he'd have my number and we've been chatting ever since. Now before you all start heeding your warnings... I'm fully aware that this probably isn't the first time that he's done something like this!! LOL!! And I'm not really expecting anything from it... but it's something new and fun to think about... and someone to chat football with!!! :-) And if he makes it up here to Portland again, yeah, I'd probably meet up with him somewhere... but most likely Violet would be hiding in a back booth somewhere to keep her eye on me!! LOL!!! So never fear!!!

So at this point, it's just been a week of texting, so I don't know much about the boy yet... but being where I am in life (31 and single, while all my friends/fam are married or in serious relationships), I'm not going to count him out just yet. I'm interested in having some conversations... to see where he's at in life, what he believes... those sorts of things. But at the same time, I also know what I'm looking for and I'm not willing to settle anymore. I've made that mistake too many times in the past. And it's awesome how God works, because in the midst of all this... one of my devotions this week touched on God's love. Here is an excerpt from "Time To Get Serious" by Tony Evans...

"The Bible is absolutely clear on this: There is no definition of love that means anything unless it is rooted in God. No mater how you define love, if it doesn't begin with God, it is flawed. It will either be incomplete or imbalanced, but either way it will be incorrect because God's character defines love."

This pretty much sums up my foundation for a true relationship and what I'm looking for in a potential husband. And ultimately, that is what I'm looking for. I don't want to really "waste" time in a relationship if it isn't going to go anywhere. But that's not to say friendships aren't allowed. But when it comes to relationships, it doesn't matter how flattering their words are, or how their attention may boost my self esteem, or how they might save me from sitting at home on the weekends... if they don't have a relationship with my God, then this chica won't be fallin' in love. God is love. And it can't be one-sided (with me having a relationship alone) Love has to begin with God... it has to be founded on Him if it's going to last. I'm not willing to settle for incomplete or imbalanced love.

My pastor has been preaching a series about Living to Please God, using 1 Thess. 4: 3-12. He's been talking about what it means to be sanctified and this week he really hit hard on the issue of sexual purity. God tells us to FLEE from sexual immorality... we need to be aware of what's going around us, and make sure we don't get into situations where our faith (& purity) could be compromised.

Funny how this boy comes into the picture... and all of a sudden there's all kinds of gentle reminders coming from everywhere. It makes me smile, actually. God knows my track record and He's a loving, awesome God that's cheering me on and wants me to do right. And I'm bound and determined to do just that!!!! One thing pastor said that had me cracking up was along these lines... it doesn't mean anything to say you're sexually pure because nobody wants you! It's when someone IS pursuing you and you know how to say NO!!! Hmm... so being single for all these years doesn't count, eh?! LOL!!! I know that sounds a little extreme, but there's truth to it at the same time. Personally, I'm excited to see how I handle this! I really think I've grown in a lot of ways over the past year... I'm not the same girl that I was in 2007. And I'm thankful for that!!!!

So when all is said and done... after all that rambling... I'm still excited about the boy for a couple of reasons... 1) b/c the attention is nice and he seems like he could be a pretty cool cat but also because 2) I'm excited to see how I handle the whole thing! I want to make my Savior proud!!! :-)

I'll keep you guys updated... and in the meantime, feel free to keep me in your prayers! It's definitely not easy being single and trying to live for God in this day and age!!!

Can I Stay Here Forever?

One of my all-time favorite albums is Starfield's self-titled album. There's been many days where I've been in the "valley" so to speak, and I've put this CD on repeat and just let the words soak into my soul. "Can I Stay Here Forever?" is one of my favorite songs, so I thought I'd share the lyrics with you. I couldn't have said it better myself...


Through forgotten convictions
And misplaced affection
I'm losing the sound of your voice
I'm chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
And I swear I've been down this road before

I wanna get back to where it all began
When I would long for only you

Like a child I'll take you at your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love you more

So for me this is beautiful
Brand new thought and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever, here with you?

I've lost sight of what first drew me
To the love that pursued me
The joy that inspired my song
The friendship that was all I knew
The arms that I would fall into
Seem miles and years from where I am today

I've got to get back to where it all began
When I would wait for only you

Like a child I'll take you at your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love you more

So for me this is beautiful
Brand new thought and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever, here with you?

Can I stay here forever
Here with you?
Surrounded by your mercy
Clothed in your truth
Always I'll stay
Always here with you

Can I stay here forever
Here with you
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love you
Always, Lord let me stay
Always here with you

Like a child I'll take you at your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love you more

So for me this is beautiful
Brand new thought and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever, here with you?
Can I stay here forever, here with you?

Just being real...

So I've come to realize that I slip into this unhealthy habit of disconnecting from God in a way, when I take my summers off from ministry. My church attendance drops drastically. I hear myself using the excuse that I work 10 mos. of the year, so the 2 mos. that I get off in the summer, is "my" time. I take advantage of the time off to travel, and this summer was no exception. It seems I was out of town almost every weekend. But even when I am in town, it's easy to skip church b/c I allow myself to be busy doing other things, and don't make it a priority. And to make it worse, I've also noticed my devotions have been lacking, as well as my prayer life, which is always a battle for me.

I attended the Luis Palau Cityfest last weekend... by myself... both Friday and Saturday night. It sucked to be there by myself, and not have anyone to share it with... yet at the same time, I was with family. It was awesome to be surrounded by thousands of christians, raising their hands in worship and praising God, including a ton of teens. There was no place I'd rather be, I was so happy and content... it was like a glimpse of what heaven will be like, with everyone praising Him together.

But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel a hardness in my heart. It's not that I don't love Him or want to worship Him... but sadly, I've allowed myself to become so "busy" and lazy in my relationship with him in the past couple of months, that I've grown distant and it SUCKS! And I know it's me. It's not like He has moved... it's ALL on me.

Life is hard, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't desperately need Him... I know it in my heart, I just don't act like it sometimes. I know of about 3-4 couples over the past year that have really gone thru some tough times in their marriage... and it's so easy for me to sit here (being single, w/ no real idea of how much work marriage is going to be) ... but sit here and not understand how divorce can even be an option. I don't understand... when 2 people get married, it's a commitment. A vow to love each other for life. It's not something that you can just get up one day and decide you don't want to do it any more. And as I was thinking about this the other day, God flipped it on me. I'm not married, but I am in a relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. When I decided to invite Him into my heart... I made a vow. I made a commitment... for life. To live for Him, obey Him, serve Him and surrender my life, my dreams, and my plans to Him . It's something that takes effort on my part... daily. It's a choice. And I can't just wake up one morning and decide I'm going to do it my way. And I definitely can't just take my summers off!!

Dang it. I hate it when He does that... but at the same time, I also love it. Because even tho conviction sucks... it also feels good because the God that created the universe is talking to me. He cares enough about me, to take the time to speak to me, open my eyes and teach me something that will help me grow closer to Him. And I love Him even more for that.

So we had a heart to heart... and once again I found myself crying out to Him for forgiveness and asking for a renewed passion in my heart to know Him more and the desire to draw closer to Him. I want to fall so deeply in love with Him that radiates thru me... and when people see me, they see Him.

I want to be in love with the One that loves me more than anything!

Jehovah Jireh, My Provider

Everyone's feeling the strain of rising gas prices and altho I'm still doing okay financially, I'm getting a little more stingy about my adventures outside of my little neighborhood. I'm finding myself NOT wanting to go to Target b/c of how far away it is, and I've stopped the trips to the mall just b/c I'm bored, and I'm consolidating my errands as much as possible! Nothing wrong with that, BUT...

I'm also noticing how it effects my willingness to hang out with my girls!!! Last week was Ania's last week in Ptown (she moved to ATL on 6/17), so of course, I made the drive all the way to N. Portland to take her out to eat on Monday and hang out one more time. I also drove over there AGAIN on Tuesday to go to her 6th promotion ceremony at school. So when Alex called over the weekend and wanted to hang out, which means 2 more trips back to N. Portland... I didn't have the most willing attitude. I use money as an excuse... high gas prices, not to mention the money I'll be spending on food and movies, or whatever we decide to do, yet I had no issues booking a trip to LA over the 4th... or doing the triathlon over my bday weekend.

So I'm currently battling my selfish attitude. And really, I know it's stupid b/c God has NEVER let me down. He's always been faithful to provide what I need in order to pay bills, put food on my table, etc. So I know He's in control... and I also know that my friendships with these kids are a God-thing. So if I'm doing His will by hanging out with them, I know He will provide. And here's proof...

In the last 7 days... it's crazy how much He has blessed in regards to money!!! When Ania and I went out to eat, I ordered the Balsamic chicken... well, the manager brings it out and says they had some issues with their balsamic ving. and so she took it off the bill!! Sweet!! And the food still tasted great, even without the dressing!! Then... I randomly got 2 gift cards in the mail for 2 local restaurants... each with a $15 value. Sweet again!!! THEN, last Friday Malinda and I went to Sara's bday party and she gave us a $25 gift card to Baja Fresh b/c she doesn't work by one anymore, so Tuesday, we ordered our lunch and went to pick it up after our run. We had to wait awhile, but whatever... it's not like we were paying for it. But, one of the managers came over and gave us each a free entree card for our wait. Seriously, Lord?

It's raining down manna... 2008-style!!!! Thank you Jesus!!!!

Making a difference...

sometimes I have to wonder if my efforts are making any impact at all. Looking over the past 8 yrs. it seems like I have struggled with having the right heart, the right motives, having to overcome pride, and deal with heartbreak just as much as I have received true joy and blessings from dealing with these kids!

But God's great at giving me little winks... as if He's telling me "good job" or "keep pressing on". I made Ania a scrap book of her past 4-5 years in Literacy Club. I'm a perfectionist and I put a lot of hours into making it, but it's one of those things, you don't really know how much they're going to appreciate it. Especially with Ania... she can be so quiet, it's hard to read her sometimes. Well, when I showed up at her school for her promotion ceremony, I found her afterwards to give her a hug and let her know I was there. As we were there talking, her teacher came up to me and told me how much she loved the scrapbook I made her. Huh?! I was kinda caught off guard... but so flattered that Ania thought enough of the gift, to actually bring it to school and show her teacher.

Maybe I am making a little dent in some of these kids' lives!! I'm not out to "save" anyone... that's God's job. But I feel that my purpose to is be the hands and feet of Jesus... to pour out His love to these kids. To be His tangible touch. To build relationships that go beyond Thursday nights.

Lord, keep this passion inside of me burning!! Continue to teach me, stretch me and use me to make a difference in these kids' lives!!!

Give Me Your Eyes

Ok... so this is a little exerpt from my new favorite song!!! It's called "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. It's from his new CD that I believe is coming out in August. Just thought I'd share and give ya something to chew on...

All those people... going somewhere...
why have I never cared...

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity

Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

I seem to mouth this prayer quite often... asking that God will help me see His people thru His eyes. But the question is... when He gives me the opportunity to be His hands and feet and to actually demonstrate His love in a tangible way... how often am I being obedient?

If God filled out report cards... I wonder what mine would look like? I probably score high when I'm in a good mood. And I'd like to think I'm getting a thumbs up for my ministries with all my kiddos. But then there's that annoying customer that always calls in and takes 25 minutes to order 3 shoes... and that person that grates on my very last nerve... and the bikers that drive in front of me, forcing me to go 5 mph?? The list goes on...

Hmm.... I've got some work to do.

Thankful

It's definitely not easy to "praise Him thru the storm", but I think one of the keys to doing so is finding the blessings in the rough. To open your eyes and see God's hand at work... whether it's in the big things or the small things. After my Gma fell, and when she had us scared because she wasn't coming out of the anesthesia... I was consumed with prayers for her healing and complete recovery. But as I look back, I'm truly amazed at how He was at work in some of the smallest of details!!! His provision is constant and it's because He loves me and cares for me so incredibly much!! Some might try to call it luck... but I know without a doubt, that it was my Father in heaven, working all things out for the good of those that are called according to His purpose. Rom. 8:28.

Below are some things I found to be thankful for in the midst of the storm.

I'm thankful...

* that I am blessed with awesome managers that allowed me to leave so unexpectedly and for my wonderful co-workers that took care of all my accounts in my absence.

* for the great customer service at the airport that made sure my luggage made it to Hays, even though my flights were on 2 separate airlines.

* that God put the Insleys (my high school youth group leaders) on the plane with me from Denver to Hays so instead of depressing thoughts and sadness all the way to Hays, I had great conversation and fellowship and was able to greet my family with smiles instead of tears!

* for the great nurses and therapists that took wonderful care of my Gma and were patient with me and all my cousins with all of our continuous requests and questions.

* that God allowed us to see a small bit of progress every day to give us hope!

* that He answered my prayer to hear her say "I love you!"

* that He granted Matt's wish to wheel her around the hallway in her wheelchair!!

* that even though my phone had stopped working 2 weeks prior to my trip... He allowed it to start working again at the hospital, so I could keep in touch with my cousins and the folks back in Ptown to keep them updated.

* For the fact that every single one of the kids AND grandkids made it to Hays to visit Gma! And for the time that I was able to spend with my cousins... in and out of the hospital! And although it was unfortunate circumstances. it was wonderful to see the family together again!

* for our church family in Hays for all the prayers, visits, flowers, Arby's sandwiches, casseroles and continued support for my grandparents and family during Gma's recovery.

* for our pastor's and their wives for their faithfulness and love for the people in their congregation.

* for the community of local pastor's and their wives that came up to my Gma's room and sang Christmas carols to her one evening... and the chance to be there to sing along and experience it with her and the rest of my family.

* for the masses of people that were willing to lift her up in prayer and the churches that put her on their prayer chains... whether they knew her or not!

* for the chance to see just a small portion of the many lives my Gma has touched and what an example of Christ's love she has been to so many people!

* for the ability to praise God thru the tough times and the chance to see His glory and healing touch!!

* and for traveling grace. Although my flight was delayed almost 3 hrs. out of KC, I'm thankful that they had me booked on a new connecting flight before I even stepped off the plane for my layover and I'm extremely thankful that the delays happened on the way home... and not as I was rushing home to be by my Gma's side.

Luck and good fortune? I don't think so... Thank you Jesus!!!

Grandma update!

First, I just want to say THANK YOU!! I cannot even begin to tell you how much your prayers have meant to me, my Grandma and the rest of our family!!! God heard our cries and has graciously answered our hearts desire!! Tuesday night when I asked for your prayers, I was trying my best to focus on the positive, the small signs of progress in my Grandma’s condition, afraid to think of what the future could hold. Wednesday morning, as my mom and I drove to the hospital, we were preparing ourselves for another long day. When I stepped into the room, I said “Hi Grandma, I love you!” and she softly answered “I love you!” back. Tears of joy began to stream down my face… and all I could do was say “Thank you, Jesus”!! My mom and I were so excited!!!! My Grandpa, on the other hand, wasn’t convinced that she remembered him. To hear him reminding her that he’d been living with her for over 60 yrs. yet couldn’t get a nod out of her when he asked if she recognized him was simply heartbreaking. Mom told him to put his glasses on, and as he was still jabbering about how she didn’t recognize him, we heard Grandma whisper “I do to!” with much attitude. Mom and I bust out laughing… she was back, spunk and all!!

As of last Wednesday, she was still very weak, her voice was quiet and raspy, she could barely move her arms, but she was definitely coming back to us!!! By the afternoon, she was telling the student nurses that they were doing a great job, that praise was offered where praise was due, and she wished another one a happy birthday… here she was, caring for others and letting Jesus shine through her in the midst of her pain and extreme discomfort. She is truly an amazing woman.

Each day, we’ve been blessed with more signs of progress. She’s slowly but surely getting stronger. As of last Saturday she was able to sit in the wheelchair for about 30-45 minutes at a time, and we even wheeled her out into the waiting room the other day so she could have a change of scenery. When mom and I were up there on Sunday, she had enough strength back in her right arm to feed herself which was very exciting! They will start hitting the physical therapy and occupational therapy pretty hard now. They were limited to what they could do because of her taking so long to come out of the anesthesia and being so weak. They got her up on the parallel bars on Monday and moved her to a new room on the physical therapy ward on Tuesday. She was excited b/c it had a view with trees (past the parking lot, of course) and Gpa was super excited b/c it had a bed that pulled out into a bed! No more sleeping in a recliner for him!! She’s not too excited about the hard work ahead of her, and gets tired easily, but she’s a fighter and determined to get her independence back.

I have to say, it’s been really cool to see, not only the provision of God, but also the body of Christ in action these past few weeks. My Grandma has so many people praying for her, it’s crazy! And she’s had a constant stream of visitors, which can be tough at times because she doesn’t get much sleep. But between family, church friends, old co-workers, and even a couple of ladies that used to babysit my mom and her brothers back in the day… it’s been a true testament of how many lives she has touched and how much she’s loved. Her children and grandchildren came from all over… Colorado, Oregon, Michigan, Kansas City… and we were all pretty protective. We’ve been joking that the nurses will be glad to see the grandkids gone… we were running into the nurse station about every 30 minutes. All Gma had to do was moan and we were out the door in a flash to make sure she was taken care of! Our church family has really been a blessing, too… stopping by to say hi, bringing us food, praying and reading scripture to her. Both pastors and their wives have been up about once a day to check on her and pray for her. One night, they went out to dinner with about 5 other local pastors and their wives, and they ALL came up to sing Christmas carols to her. She LOVED it!! Between them and my family, we had about 15-20 people jammed into her little room singing… it was awesome!!

She has a long road ahead of her, and can still use your prayers for continued recovery, but I just wanted to let you all know that she is doing better!!! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get the update out to ya, but last week was a whirlwind of long days at the hospital and time with family. I headed back to KC with my Uncle Wayne on Monday, stayed with my sister and bro-n-law and flew back to Portland on Tuesday. Knowing that she’s improved so much made it a little easier for me to leave, not to mention I’ll be back in 3 weeks for Christmas, so that seemed to help, too.

So thank you again, from the bottom of my heart, for all your prayers and support!!