God's Voice

Life has been busy. I've been anxious to get back into a routine of things, but I haven't quite found the balance of life yet. I had married life down pretty good when I was unemployed, but the new job has been a difficult transition for many, many reasons. It's a blessing, I know, but it's going to be a challenge ... emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My concept of "work" is being reformed. But that's a post for another day.

My point is... it has been difficult to get back into the routine of devotion and worship,to the Creator that has blessed me with so much. I wasted no time getting back into ministry, joining alongside Chris with children's church, youth group and the Young Life ministry here in Port Angeles. And Chris and I are in the habit of doing a couple's devotional every day at lunch, which has been great. But MY walk and MY time alone with God has been lacking. It's hard to pull away from the hustle and bustle of life. And when there is down time at home, which isn't often, I want to be snuggled up with my husband watching TV or doing nothing at all. The last thing I want to do is go off to another room by myself and have some quiet time with Jesus. I cringe at how horrible that sounds as I type it, but it's the truth.

Well, this weekend Chris drove the youth group girls down to Portland for the Revolve Tour, a christian conference for teenage girls. I couldn't go because of work, so I was stuck in Port Angeles by myself for the first time since mid-August when he went to camp for 5 days. I was NOT looking forward to it. But turned out to be just what I needed. I was sitting at the table, working on thank you cards, and a song by Jeremy Camp came on called "Surrender". It got my attention, and in true Stacie-fashion, I put it on repeat for the next couple of hours. Here are the words...

Purify this tainted soul
I'm tired of living life a fool
Soften up this hardened clay
To be a servant, this I pray
A reflection of You, I long to be
So Your kingdom I will seek

I surrender to Your throne
Oh, I surrender to Your throne
I will make my heart Your home
Oh, I surrender to Your throne

I've taken things I thought my own
Only to reap what I've sown
You've given back the years I fought
An ending love and grace You've brought
Eternal hope and peace You bring
And forever unto You I will sing

I surrender to Your throne
Oh, I surrender to Your throne
And I will make my heart Your home
Oh, I surrender to Your throne

Forever unto You I will sing
Forever unto You I will sing
Forever unto You I will sing
Forever unto You I will sing

I surrender
I surrender
I surrender, now
Oh, I surrender
And I surrender
And I surrender, now
Oh, I surrender
I surrender
I surrender
Oh, I surrender
I surrender
I surrender, now

Soften up this hardened clay
To be a servant, this I pray.

I started to think about how this song would be SO good for our church to hear. There's been some division lately between the folks that are holding onto the old-school hymns and the ones that are wanting to move to a more contemporary praise. Everyone has an opinion of how they see worship and how they think the service should go. Everyone is right in their own eyes and for some, a combined service of both styles... a compromise... isn't good enough. Unfortunately, some are a little bit more bold with their opinions, and without much tact, have been very hurtful. It's frustrating. Personally, I'm on the side of the contemporary praise. I didn't grow up with hymns, and I'm having a hard time getting into the "heart of worship" by singing them. Not to mention the service style is completely different from what I'm used to at Mt. Olivet. And then there's the way I grew up, singing strictly Psalms. And unlike my grandparents, I can't get in the mood of worship by singing them either. I relate to the praise songs of my generation. The words touch my soul, the music reaches my heart, I can lift my hands in praise, and be brought to tears by God's voice through them. Hymns, not so much.

So back to me sitting at my table this afternoon. I was sitting there thinking about how this song would be SO good for my church to hear. They need to surrender THEIR idea of what worship is and suck it up and do what's best for the church... and it's growth... and reaching the community... and furthering God's kingdom. But it didn't take long for God to begin whispering to me. Saying that I needed to surrender MY idea of what worship is... suck it up and surrender to what God's will is for the church... and realize it's not about the way I want to worship. Worship is not about me. It's about God and bringing glory to Him. It's singing praises to HIM, for all that He has done for me... all that He has blessed me with... for His provision, His comfort, His love. It's about HIM. I went to the Hymn sing a week ago, because I LOVE to sing, and I was excited to use the hymnals so I could read the alto line and harmonize, without having to make it up.

I know, I know... wrong motives for going. But I'm so glad I did. I saw the older generations of the church, the ones that grew up with hymns, closing their eyes and singing their hearts out to God. They felt it, they related to the words, they enjoyed the music... they were praising God!! And for the first time... I got it.

So I'm surrendering. And I'm sure it's not going to happen overnight. Yeah, I would still love to see our worship service sing more contemporary songs. It's something that I've struggled with every Sunday morning for the last 3 mos... but tomorrow, I'll be walking into service with a new attitude. And I still think our church needs to hear this song... not because I want them to surrender and go along with my way. But it's a message everyone needs to hear. Our society encourages us to be selfish. And as a christian... we have to daily surrender our lives to Christ, and there's no room for selfishness. It's the least we can do. I think it's a good reminder to every believer... we need to surrender our thoughts, our desires, our plans, our ideas of what worship is and how a service should be, our ideas of how we should live, how others should live... our, our, our. We need to lay those down and try to see things through God's eyes. See how OUR thoughts line up with Jesus's. What are His thoughts, His desires, His plans. We need to surrender our lives and let God take control, falling in line with what His vision and His plan is. Having faith that He will change our hearts to give us understanding, and believing that His blessings will fall... whether we're singing hymns, psalms or praise songs.

One part of the song says "Forever unto You I will sing"... and that's my desire. I have SO much to be thankful for... I shouldn't even NEED music to sing praises out to Him. I should have a heart of worship every minute of the day. My worship shouldn't only happen at 11am on Sunday morning. And I shouldn't be bummed if it isn't what I prefer. Again... it's not about me.

So today was a good day. I heard God's voice again... and it's been awhile. It makes me crave those moments with God even more!! And I seriously doubt I'll get my life balanced by tomorrow, but my priorities need and WILL be rearranged. MY time with God is my top priority. And Chris and I's time as a couple isn't a substitute. I can't expect to keep giving of myself... to Chris, the kids, my job, the laundry... under my own strength. I need God's power. I want to be nourished and renewed. I want that intimacy with Christ.