Just being real...

So I've come to realize that I slip into this unhealthy habit of disconnecting from God in a way, when I take my summers off from ministry. My church attendance drops drastically. I hear myself using the excuse that I work 10 mos. of the year, so the 2 mos. that I get off in the summer, is "my" time. I take advantage of the time off to travel, and this summer was no exception. It seems I was out of town almost every weekend. But even when I am in town, it's easy to skip church b/c I allow myself to be busy doing other things, and don't make it a priority. And to make it worse, I've also noticed my devotions have been lacking, as well as my prayer life, which is always a battle for me.

I attended the Luis Palau Cityfest last weekend... by myself... both Friday and Saturday night. It sucked to be there by myself, and not have anyone to share it with... yet at the same time, I was with family. It was awesome to be surrounded by thousands of christians, raising their hands in worship and praising God, including a ton of teens. There was no place I'd rather be, I was so happy and content... it was like a glimpse of what heaven will be like, with everyone praising Him together.

But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel a hardness in my heart. It's not that I don't love Him or want to worship Him... but sadly, I've allowed myself to become so "busy" and lazy in my relationship with him in the past couple of months, that I've grown distant and it SUCKS! And I know it's me. It's not like He has moved... it's ALL on me.

Life is hard, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't desperately need Him... I know it in my heart, I just don't act like it sometimes. I know of about 3-4 couples over the past year that have really gone thru some tough times in their marriage... and it's so easy for me to sit here (being single, w/ no real idea of how much work marriage is going to be) ... but sit here and not understand how divorce can even be an option. I don't understand... when 2 people get married, it's a commitment. A vow to love each other for life. It's not something that you can just get up one day and decide you don't want to do it any more. And as I was thinking about this the other day, God flipped it on me. I'm not married, but I am in a relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. When I decided to invite Him into my heart... I made a vow. I made a commitment... for life. To live for Him, obey Him, serve Him and surrender my life, my dreams, and my plans to Him . It's something that takes effort on my part... daily. It's a choice. And I can't just wake up one morning and decide I'm going to do it my way. And I definitely can't just take my summers off!!

Dang it. I hate it when He does that... but at the same time, I also love it. Because even tho conviction sucks... it also feels good because the God that created the universe is talking to me. He cares enough about me, to take the time to speak to me, open my eyes and teach me something that will help me grow closer to Him. And I love Him even more for that.

So we had a heart to heart... and once again I found myself crying out to Him for forgiveness and asking for a renewed passion in my heart to know Him more and the desire to draw closer to Him. I want to fall so deeply in love with Him that radiates thru me... and when people see me, they see Him.

I want to be in love with the One that loves me more than anything!