The Motions

It's funny... for so many years, I've struggled with being content in my season of singleness, and now that I have the man of my dreams, I'm STILL struggling with being content. It’s just in a new way this time. The more time I spend up in Port Angeles with Chris, the less I feel at home here in Portland. I'm obviously attached to Chris, but I'm also enjoying the relationships that I'm building with his friends, the kids in his youth group and even the connection that's growing with the rest of his church family! I'm getting anxious to start this new chapter of my life!

This past weekend I stayed in Portland, and after being up in PA for the past 2 weekends... it was rough. I have to admit, it was nice not spending 8 hrs. in the car, and I did need the extra sleep... but I was in a funk all weekend long. Partly because I was spoiled after seeing him 2 weekends in a row, but I was also sad knowing that although I survived 1 week, I still had 3.5 weeks to go before I would see him again... and that SUCKS! I ended up throwing myself a little pity party on Saturday evening. I'm so anxious to start this new "season" in Port Angeles with Chris, that I feel like I'm just wasting time here when I could be up there starting my new life!! I want to be able to see Chris daily, I want to start going to their youth group meetings on Wednesdays and get more involved... did I mention see Chris daily? It's like God is dangling my future in front of me... I can see it, and it looks awesome... but I can't quite reach it!!! But I know that's not what God is doing... I truly believe He is giving me this amazing gift, piece by piece... according to His time. And I just need to enjoy the process as it all unfolds. I'm blessed beyond a doubt, and I know that!! I just feel like a kid the night before Christmas!!

So time and time again, God gently taps me, and reminds me that my time is not up yet in Portland, and I still have some work to do. As much as I want to be up in PA with Chris, I also want to finish out the year with Elema in Literacy Club. And I don’t want to leave Children’s church high and dry without a teacher. I’ve really enjoyed my class so far, and I want to finish the school year out. Even if I'm only in Portland through June or July... that’s 4-5 mos. and it’s going to go quick! I need to take advantage of the time that I have left... spending it with friends, especially Violet & her fam, and Ana & her girls and just enjoying what Portland has to offer. Because even though I’m going to be happy in Port Angeles with Chris, I know I’m going to miss a lot of stuff... watching Mia, Cannon, Jayden & Lexi grow up, Alex, my friends at Dr. Martens, all my Literacy Club kids, my church family at Mt. Olivet, and just the basics of city life... not to mention TARGET! I need to be happy with the time I have now. I don’t want to live the next couple of months thinking solely of the future and miss out on the present. I know all of this... and it’s been my prayer request for months... I just need to do it!

And just like He normally does, the Spirit started poking me during the sermon on Saturday. Pastor Gregg was talking about our time to shine. I sat there and was feeling pretty good about myself because I have done SO much “serving” since I’ve moved here. Sometimes, it felt like serving was all I ever did! I’m in my 9th year of Literacy Club and have been involved in Children’s church since Jan ’01. I’ve got the “serving” thing covered (pat, pat)! But then Pastor said that not only will we be judged on if we served or not... but also the QUALITY of our service. Hmm. Conviction.

I can think back to many times in my life over the last 9 yrs. that the quality of my service was not so good, whether it was personal struggles with leadership, or I was burned out, or my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. Many times I struggled with if I was just working with kids because it was within my comfort zone... dealing with kids is much easier than adults. But through all the struggles, and all the times I wanted to give up... God had His hands on me, and wouldn’t let me budge. I might have stepped down for a season to rest, but I was always back in the mix. Kids are my passion, it’s the call God has on my life... and there’s no walking away from that.

Matthew West has a new song called “The Motions” and between the words of this song, and Pastor’s comments last Saturday... I can tell a fire is being lit under me. Here’s the chorus...

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

I don’t want to go through the motions. I don’t want to serve just to serve, because working with kids is what I do... I want to make a difference in the kingdom. I don’t want to just be friends with these kids... I want my relationships to have a purpose. I might not see the harvest... but I want to plant seeds of God’s truth.

God has given me 9 wonderful years in Portland... and now it’s crunch time. I only have a couple more months to make a difference in some of these kids’ lives… and in some of my friends’ lives. Have I made any difference… or has it been in vain? I know I have planted some seeds… but how many opportunities did I miss? How many times did I not stand up with boldness to friends… or missed an opportunity to pray? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not beating myself up, or fishing for words of encouragement… I know I’ve done some good… but I also know there were times when my heart wasn’t in it. There were times when my motives weren’t true.

I don’t want to go through the motions. I don’t want to just wait until the end of June because that’s the right thing to do… I want to take full advantage of the time I have left and let God use me mightily. And more than anything, when I meet my Savior face to face, I want to hear Him say “Well done, good and faithful servant”. I don’t want Him to say “Well done, you were a good worker” meaning I was just doing busy work to pass the time. I want to hear him say SERVANT. I want to see people through His eyes, to serve them out of love for Him, and make a difference for His kingdom.

Point is... there will be no more sitting at home, throwing myself pity parties... there's people out there that need fellowship, encouragement, and to see God's love through me. I need to make the most of today, because tomorrow is not guaranteed.